During my early 20’s, I discovered the man I loved and who made me believe he loved me, was in another relationship and had been for some time.  I had become a woman who didn’t know who she was anymore, I hated myself, I was battling depression and anxiety, lack of appetite and I was looking in the mirror with disgust rather than love.  I felt like I had been devoted to him, cooked and cleaned, played the housewife he deemed to love, but I was nothing other than a ‘bit on the side’ a joke and someone to fill the gap.

I felt deceived, lost all trust, shut myself down, I spiralled into self-doubt and insecurity, believing I was never good enough and asking myself ‘what did I do so wrong to deserve this’. Although he had a girlfriend, he continued to stay in contact, he would create mixed signals and false promises which fuelled my confusion and anger, this would cause me to have verbal outbursts, where I would try to present my feelings and hurt, looking for validation, but only receiving ignorance and shutdown, I felt like I was being constantly punished for events I couldn’t change or ask for.

After these outbursts, I would be filled with shame, a woman shouldn’t act out like that, that sort of verbal anger isn’t very feminine or pleasant. I felt like I had become a disgusting person, my insecurities where through the roof and come to think of it, I wasn’t just angry I was fucking fuming for how he think it was okay to treat me this way, I didn’t deserve that! I felt trapped, I couldn’t talk to anyone about it because then I would have to admit what had been going on, I felt like a madwoman, questioning who would trust someone who just lost her shit at her ex for wanting her yet not truly wanting her at all.

The self- hate, self-blame and lack of worthiness amplified over the years and despite attempts to break free, his apologies and declarations of love always pulled me back in, only to repeat the cycle for five agonizing years.

It was during this relationship that I felt like I needed to change, I needed to be better for him. Although I knew this back and forth wasn’t right, I thought that if I could change then he would pick me, and we would live happily ever after.

So, I went to a Relationship Coach, where I learned that I had an Anxious Attachment style that had been developed through Childhood Traumas, that the ways in which I acted, where coping mechanisms from growing up. 

Through the safety of my Coach, I developed love and compassion for myself, I started to see my self-worth and developed boundaries and confidence. I started to love my inner self so much that I became obsessed and started to read books and carry out practices to help calm my nervous system during heightened anxiety moments.

My confidence grew, it grew so much that I stared a new job that I knew nothing about, I made new friends and put myself out there more! I started to see the old, bubbly me who people loved and cared for. I came to understand Trauma Bonds, Narcissistic Abuse, Emotional Abuse, Gaslighting and so much more.

Not only did I learn to love myself again, I learned to love life, take back control over my life and emotions and I removed myself from that Toxic Relationship.

Now, this is the best bit, where I am now. Although that all sounds shit, I strongly believe it was there for a purpose, it pushed me to grow as a person and acknowledge everything I had been ignoring.

Not only do I love who I see in the mirror, I know that I am strong, a woman with control, integrity and determination. I’m not the person who I was before that relationship, I am better, stronger and it was a path I needed to take.

Not only did leaving that relationship, double my work productivity, it opened my eyes! It has it led me to a point where I can Coach and Empower other women to rebuild their confidence, self-worth and love, but I can hold a safe space of understanding and no judgment.

 I have gone and got my CBT therapy Diploma and a Trauma Informed Certification. I continue to train in Embodied Processing, so I can heal Trauma and work with Dysregulated Nervous Systems. I have now come into a secure and healthy relationship with a man who has taken the patience with me and has shown me what it’s like to be loved, held and supported by someone else and not just on my own.

 This relationship is something I cherish with my whole heart. It's healthy, we communicate, and we look forward to the day when we start a family and build a home. We have life plans, both individual and our own, but no matter what happens, I know we have each other, I will always have a place of safety and a man that I can call home.